The life after
by pamy
Summary: Veronica lives in the after, after Logan, after Duncan, but especially after Lilly. She'll always live in that world, she'll never be able to run away from it.


Veronica's life is marked by what comes _after;_ after _Duncan, _after _Logan, _but especially _after _Lilly.

The first day after Lilly dies is a compete blur.

There are fragments of moments she actually does remember, there's Duncan sitting not to far from her, there's her crying on the bathroom floor, there's her father holding her while she cries and there's Logan suddenly at her door, crying uncontrollably.

Everything else is a complete blur.

She's not sure if she actually _doesn't _remember, or she simply doesn't _want _to remember. Maybe she doesn't want to remember the pain, the endless moments; the intensity of the realization that she would never see Lilly again. The knowledge that every time the phone rang her heart wished it was Lilly, proclaiming it was all just a joke.

The first day in the life after was the easiest.

* * *

The third day after she doesn't get to forget.

She could forget the first days, erase them from her memory completely; she _could _because in that time she could still pretend it was all a nightmare. Her father forbad her to go outside, didn't let her watch the news either; not that she _wanted _to leave, she never wanted to go out into the world that didn't have Lilly in it anymore.

On the day of the funeral she doesn't have that luxury anymore.

The moment she sees Lilly's casket she _knows _the truth, those days she does not get to forget; she doesn't get to forget the eulogy her father gave, doesn't get to forget the speech Logan rambled off, doesn't get to forget the one she gave. The moment Lilly's casket is lowered into the ground Veronica knows there is not a pain worse than this.

She dreams of blond hairs soaked in blood and white caskets in the ocean.

* * *

The fifth day after Lilly dies she opens her mail again.

She didn't open her mail for days, didn't go to school either; she just stayed in her room all day, lying on her bed trying _not _to remember the best friend she had lost. It's the fifth letter in, it arrived four days after Lilly died and Veronica _knows _what it is, before she opens it. Her hands shake as she opens the envelope, putting off the inevitable won't help anyone.

Two fake ID's fall out of the envelope.

The smiling face of Lilly Kane looks at her, from a card that says she's 21; an age she wasn't, an age she'll never be. Veronica begins to cry as she remembers the adventures Lilly was planning, the ones they would have as soon as these arrived; she remembered the stories Lilly would make up as she sat on this very bed, not even a week ago.

She doesn't open the rest of her mail, she's to afraid of what she'll find.

* * *

On the tenth day after Lilly died she returned to school.

She returned to the school she and Lilly used to walk trough, the one where they had so much fun; there was a time everyone would look at her, for being the friend of. Now nobody will look her way, now nobody will even talk to her; not that Veronica really cares, not that she really notices anything. Duncan isn't in school, but Logan is; though even he doesn't really look at her.

Or maybe he wants to, but Veronica only stays in school for two hours.

Ms. James wants to talk to her, wants to help her to her grieve; Veronica doesn't _want _to talk to her, but talking to her wins over going to class. She never really talks to Ms. James, because the second she asks about Lilly Veronica begins to cry inconsolably, she's pretty sure this pain will never end, will never leave. Ms. James tries to calm her down, tries to assure her everything will be alright; but everything she says sounds like a lie, this is something that has never happened here before.

Veronica knows that no matter what the future brings it will never be alright again.

* * *

On the fifteenth day after Lilly dies Logan stops talking to her.

They haven't been that great of friends for weeks, not since Logan kissed Yolanda and Veronica told; but in the aftermath of Lilly's death nothing had really mattered. Logan had knocked on her door, the first day after, red stained eyes, and he just hugged her and cried until he couldn't anymore. Still she didn't see him after her funeral until she went to school; they sat at the same table, they ate the same lunch.

She doesn't understand what her father is doing either.

She thought he would understand that she can't control her father; can't control what he does or who he investigates, it's not her world, it's not her live. She though he would understand that even if she could control him; she was to tired, to emotionally drained to do anything at all. Logan doesn't talk to her, doesn't say a word anymore; but at least he just pushes her aside, at least he just pretends she doesn't exist anymore.

She's used to that after all, Duncan has been doing it for weeks.

* * *

Nineteen days after Lilly dies she opens her diary again.

She used to keep one religiously, used to write everything that happened to her in it. Somewhere in it she wrote about her break-up with Duncan, even writing down that that was the worse her life could possibly get. And here she is a couple of weeks later, her best friend murdered and her only other friend turning his back on her, ridiculing her in school even.

She hadn't opened her diary since October second.

She sits there staring at the date, October 22, trying to figure out what she'll write. She attempts to find a way to put her feelings into words, but she can't quite do that; there are not words to describe the ache, the crushing feeling in her heart. She wants to write of Duncan who sits there like a statue, she wants to speak of Logan who walks away and allows the school to make fun of her.

_How to survive High school _she writes, _985 days until graduation.

* * *

_

6 weeks after Lilly dies her dead body is everywhere.

Every time she turns on the news it's there, the leaked crime scene tape; the scene that haunts her every night, the one she tries to forget during the day. The one that now taunts her, on every turn she makes; since that moment she saw it on the computer screen, she swears it's everywhere she looks. She wants to forget it was ever there, wants to pretend she didn't see it; but she did, in reality and on a screen.

Logan looks at her with dead eyes filled with anger.

This is the turning point, before it was just a fight, before they could have still moved past it; now they can't, whatever they had, whatever they were, it broke. Shattered beyond repair, the last threats that held them together have broken, faded away. She stands there as he walks away, she doesn't say anything despite the fact that she wants to; remind him she loved Lilly, remind him she loves him, remind him that he loved her as well.

There's nothing to say, nothing left to safe, they're gone.

* * *

On November 20 she decides to read the paper.

She hasn't opened the paper since that fateful day, didn't want to read the news; didn't want to know what they said about her best friend, about her, about her father. Wanted to remain living in her bubble, wanted to pretend there was nobody out there that hated them. She opened the newspaper hoping that it was all over, instead she was rewarded with more stories about her father going after the Kane's.

She flips trough the paper attempting to find something else.

There's a story about a girl, she can't quite remember the name, who jumped of the roof of a sorority house at Hearst. There's nothing to indicate why she would do that, but she did, her eyes read the article quickly, landing on the next sentence. She survived the fall, though the paper isn't very hopeful; but she's alive and Veronica's grateful, because that girl has a best friend somewhere who doesn't get to live trough her pain. The article makes her think of how it would feel like to end her life, to stop hurting; to be with Lilly wherever she is.

On November 21 she forgets about the article.

* * *

In December her father loses his job.

She thinks that is the end, there is nothing left to lose; her best friend is dead, the rest is gone and her father loses his job. She thinks he'll take this opportunity, move them away, She wants to hide, run away from the pain, the memories that haunt her on every street corner; she and Lilly used to go everywhere, and now there is not a place left in Neptune that brings her solace, that brings her peace. She wants to run away from this place forever.

Her father doesn't want to run, he wants to stay.

Veronica lies in her bed that night staring at the ceiling, thinking of running away on her own; she never thought about it before, never really had a reason. But those memories haunt her, kill her a little every time she remembers; she wants to run far away, except that she doesn't think it will really help. Those memories are inside of her, no matter what she wants to believe; they'll never leave her behind, maybe someday she'll be grateful for them.

On December fifth she decides things are going better.

* * *

December 6th she decides she's hit rock bottom.

December 7th she decides she'll never allow anyone to hurt her again.

* * *

On Christmas they move into their new apartment.

Her mother hates it, her father thinks they won't stay long; Veronica loves the apartment, she loves the fact that it's new. Lilly never set foot in this house, Lilly never walked trough that door, never sat on that bed. She didn't belong in this world and she would never get that chance, it's the only place in Neptune she has where Lilly has never been; it's a little bit of peace, a little bit of calm in her painful live.

She takes long showers, but nobody notices.

New year is the worst day ever, the moment the clock strikes twelve; the very second they move into the new year Veronica bursts out in tears. It's the first year without Lilly Kane, it's the first new year in the _after_; it's the first ending to her live, it's the first moment of her life that truly is without Lilly, because Lilly will never live in 2004, she'll never live again.

Her mother decides it's time to send her to a shrink.

* * *

She never says a word to the doctor.

She doesn't see the point in telling a complete stranger about her pain, about her live; she doesn't want to tell him about the friend she's lost. She doesn't see how he can help her, how he can tell her that everything will be alright again; he's never met Lilly Kane, never known anything about her. There is nothing he can do to help her, nothing he can do to save her, he only knows his books, doesn't know this actual pain.

He lets her go after six weeks, there's nothing he can do for her anyway.

Her mother disappears in February, leaving her behind with nothing; she thought there was nothing worse that could happen to her. The thing is she thinks she should feel worse, should feel broken because her mother left her, but she's already so numb that she can't feel anything anymore. Her father is the one who saves the music box, puts it on her dresser and she leaves it there, doesn't care anymore about what comes next.

The next day she cuts of all her hair.

* * *

The day she finds out who killed Lilly she begins to live again.

She thinks that the day she met Wallace she already began to try; she loved him the best way she could, it took her a while to allow him into her life and heart, but once she did she realized he's the _second _best friend she could have wished for. She never thought about comparing him and Lilly, never thought about the differences; they were two different people and the last thing she wants is another Lilly in her life.

But when she knows who took her away, she can begin to let go.

* * *

The day she graduates she finally realizes the truth.

She'll always live in the _after, _the before is gone forever; there will never be a moment in her live that she doesn't live in the _after _Lilly. She'll always be there, in the back of her mind living in her memories; but with time it will get better, after all it's already better than it was at first.

And yet she knows it will never disappear.

She knows that every time she sees a girl with long blond hair she'll wish it's Lilly, she knows that every time she hears her name she'll turn towards the sound despite knowing it can't possibly be her Lilly. She knows she'll always be haunted by the sight of Lilly Kane lying next to that pool, her hair colouring red from all the blood, she knows she'll never completely let go.

But that's okay, because now she can finally stop counting the days that came after.

* * *

She'll always live in what came after, _after _Logan, _after _Duncan, _after _Lilly.

She doesn't want to change it either.


End file.
